#5 COMMITMENT ISSUES TO DEAL WITH

Stop >  ready > WAIT A MINUTE? 

CAR ‘A is on the move to a set destination, gets to a junction and the traffic light turns RED reading 60secs, the lights then turn YELLOW, patiently waiting the lights then turn GREEN, and it’s a ‘go go go’! But then CAR ‘B in front refuses to move, CAR ‘A keeps honing and nothing K [well I’ll let you decide the end yea?J]

CAR ‘A is what I chose to call “GREEN LIGHTERS”, these describes people who are set to commit to a relationship, but my interest is in CAR ‘B, because this expressively describes the situation in which some people find themselves whenever the topic of commitment is raised, I call them the “YELLOW LIGHTERS”

CAUTION!!!

DONOT assume you know where this is heading towards, it’s completely different from my previous usual “celebrate your singleness” blog post [not that you shouldn’t celebrate but please refer previous blog post “I prefer you remain single”J]

This article is for those who deep within are struggling with the issue of “commitment”. They are strong, Godly, successful, of AGE, educated, what every man/woman would term a “TOTAL SCORE” but yet they are as single as single can be. One would often wonder what the problem really is, not forgetting to mention the positive advances/signals from the opposite sex, yet they remain “YELLOW LIGHTERS”.

?I made an attempt to highlight #5 key points as to why ‘commitment’ is such an issue to these “YELLOW LIGHTERS” and at the same time proffer solutions which is from a personal perspective and ultimately the word of God. Please note that, not all #5 may apply but I bet #1 or #2 would [J hehehe].

1.  TRAPPED

The issue of feeling trapped is a major for some “YELLOW LIGHTERS”. You may have stayed single for at least 2-3years, now you’re ready> set and all of a sudden you can’t breathe L, you feel clustered, choked, trapped, it’s more like trying to breath under water [am sure you get my gist yea? J]. You just feel this special someone is going to take away the very freedom you’ve nurtured all these years. If this describes you, then you need serious prayer and fasting [J hehehe just kidding]. The truth is, when it comes to committing to a relationship? You must do away with the word ‘trapped’, it should never exist. There’s nothing as beautiful as loving a person wholeheartedly and being loved back in return, it’s a whole new level of freedom you’ve got to experience. Take a look at this math;

Jesus Died For Love + This Love = Freedom

So If You Have Jesus + Express This Love to A Fellow Human = Total Freedom. 

[Capich? J hehehe yea, it doesn’t make any sense, well am no mathematician, but am sure you get my gist]

Always remind yourself that the relationship is not about you, but about the significant other and what you can offer. So whenever the feeling of being trapped overwhelms you, bow your head in prayers and say;

“I refuse the feeling of being trapped, I would not be trapped, am moving into total freedom and this relationship would express the kind of pure genuine love Jesus demonstrated. AMEN”

2.  FEAR

“Driving is risky, but taking your hands of the steering wheels is daring” J

Learning to take risk in life is a daily activity we often find ourselves doing, so am thinking why can’t we apply the same principle in a relationship?

“Perfect love cast out fear”

May I say this, if indeed its God, then false evidence appearing real should not have a place in you. You may say, I know it’s God’s choice but I can’t explain the resistance or that I have no idea of what you went through. Well I could try to defend the later with the fact that lots of people have had terrible, horrifying experiences in past relationship, whereas the former are probably simply taking other peoples panadol [Jhehehe! guilty] and this has completely left both ‘EXPERIENCEES’ commitment scared. [There are some “YELLOW LIGHTERS” who move to the point of having strange resentment for the opposite sex, well that’s for another time.]

If any of above mentioned sets describes you, then am pleased to tell you that you’re 120% wrongJ. Need I tell you that, if your relationship typifies other peoples own, then you need check into that? God is not out of ‘love stories’; everyone would experience a unique one if you allow him be the organizer. So I know that my love story would never and can never be the same as my past or even yours [mine would be best actually J hehehe]

Do you know that fear can actually drive you from a right relationship into a wrong one? [God forbid]. Resist fear, it should never have a place in your life as a believer. If God gives you his approval, then I say;

READY > SET>>>>>>>>>>>>>> GO

3.  “PICKY”

So you sit down with a big grinJ, thinking of all the glory days when men/women flocked around you or your seated with a straight faceK looking at all the over matured spinsters/bachelors and wondering what happened, how did they get this old without somebody, anybody? Well I can tell you one reason from the other obvious;

>>>TOO PICKY<<<

You know the Cinderella & prince charming list? How he/she should look like? Yea! That list! do away with it. Especially if deep within you know you don’t þcheck for 2/10. [Please kindly refer to previous blog post on “Baggage Claim” both the part 1&2]

Your criteria for choosing a life partner should be nothing other but completely based on God’s unfailing word. As a lady, no Man on this planet earth is perfect, so deal with it.

Yes you’re a man who is physical,

“it’s better to live on the roof top than share a house with a nagging annoying {beautifully perfect} woman” [that’s a deal breaker yea? J]

Anything physical can be dealt with [perfume #nasty#, mouth odour #nastiest#, clothing etc.] or overlooked if beyond change [height, eyes, lips etc.] so long as that person displays the qualities listed in Baggage claim part 1&2? I say to you;

READY > SET>>>>>>>>>>>>>> GO

4.   AMBITIOUS

These set of “YELLOW LIGHTERS” are actually the funniest, like what? K. Need I tell you that there’s no number of certificates or amount of money just enough to guarantee that you’ll have a successful relationship.

Relationship is like two individuals going to cultivate a farm. Don’t get me wrong, am not saying money isn’t important, but it’s a relationship, you two are getting to know each other’s strength and weakness. It’s all about building your life together. Get to know each other at your early days, except of-cause for “runz babes” and men who rather want a “trophy wife”, other than that, if this category describes you, then i say;

READY > SET>>>>>>>>>>>>>> GO

5.   “WAITERS”

Permit me to take a good laugh and bow to this particular set of “YELLOW LIGHTERS” Jhehehe! Like seriously? I know this is the usual term used, well, for some its true and I totally encourage that, but for other’s? It’s just a cover up of the fact that they have commitment issues. Job said “I’ll wait upon the lord till my change comes” but are you really waiting for God’s choice or scared or worst weighing option? K

Please if you find a green lighter and he/she happens to be Gods choice for you, i.e too say, they qualify for a Godly partner, do me a favor and dive in with all confidence, the wait is over, don’t be so picky and wait until the change comes and returns even. If this describes you, then I’ll say again;

READY > SET>>>>>>>>>>>>>> GO 

 

I’ll leave you with these daring loving words, that

“UNTIL YOU LEARN TO LOVE ABOVE YOU, YOU’LL NEVER FIND LOVE” shalom!!!

Estie LOVES you!

What are your thoughts about this? Leave comment

BAGGAGE CLAIM {part 2}: WHAT EVERY GODLY MAN SEEKS IN A GODLY LADY

The 21^st century has proving to be more difficult than men thought it would, I can say so because I’ve had opportunities even with the little adult years I’ve spent to interact with them and find out certain things which am going to share with you. Ladies have also become more devastated as to what on earth men need from them other than the usual insane rubric list they’ve been throwing around. Back in 2010, at a living light women’s retreat, I had the opportunity to present a paper titled “what every Godly man seeks in a Godly Woman” which was my first writing article, fast forward to 2012, I also had the privileged to speak on “womanhood” at a program titled “face to face; relationship and finance” {totally mind blowing with Mr. Ejimi A., Apostle Joshua Selman and pastor Manasseh Dogon}, so I believe with this, the information your about to read is valid, Updated and it sure works when applied/adhered to accordingly.

“Single 27-year-old male, searching for a life-partner. Her best qualities must be external appearance and sexual appeal. Superficiality is welcomed. Preferably someone who is lacking in goals, neglective of dreams and aimless in direction to allow for me to become center stage. Would prefer to keep conversation entirely shallow—limited to pop culture and materialism.”--- [source of this story: jarred Wilson]

I can pretty much guarantee without reasonable doubt that a statement like this wouldn’t draw much attention from females’ yea? In fact, if this were an actual “TRUTH”, it would make most of us ladies flinch i.e to say, very uncomfortable.

However, the ironic thing is that though this statement seems so irreverent and disrespectful, it is often these very lies we are fed through movies [all the ‘woods’], secular music and pop-culture as the way to a man’s heart. And many times we ladies believe those lies and try to measure up to a standard we were never meant to follow.

Just as we ladies are not satisfied in defining a real man by his muscle mass and sex drive [read blog post “real men” or real men?], real men are shifting their perception of what they are looking for in a woman. As women, we’re often told that our value and the quality of our relationships are directly tied to our sex appeal. But I believe sex appeal has little value in the equation of a healthy and meaningful relationship, yea?

I made an attempt to list out #10 qualities all Godly men seek in a Godly to-be-bride [after all aren’t we all to-be-brides waiting?] which is also tagged as the #10 “ultimate” cardinal virtues. At the end of it all, there has to be balance.

DISCLAIMER: I am not stating all these virtues because I have mastered them, please kindly note that i am also building and working on myself every day.

#1  REAL

It’s sometimes hard to believe being “real” is attractive to a man. It’s easy for women to look at the billboards and magazines that fill our minds with airbrushed beauty and enhanced bodies and think that being “real” makes you less than the others.

But I’ve found that real men are attracted to a woman who reveals her natural self.

This “realness” manifests itself partially in physical ways. Obviously, looking good is not a bad thing, but there is something about the beauty of a real woman that far exceeds the plastic Barbie version of ourselves so many women strive for and believe in.

Of course, Real men are not simply looking for a woman who is real with her appearance, but real with who she is. When it comes to attracting a real man, there is no need to pretend. They’re not looking for a woman who pretends to be into sports, cars, sex or anything else she thinks her man wants. They are looking for a woman to be fully herself—personality, quirks, deficits and all. Ladies, these are the things that make you unique and set you apart from every other woman.

#2  SUBMISSIVE

Before we go any further, dear ladies, this is a commandment, ‘thou shall submit’? Yea! Am sure you recall. Any lady who displays humility is not too far from being submissive. Now let’s get this, submission is not weakness, submission is the ability to put your strength as a woman under control. Yes I know it’s very hard, like, why do we need to feel like second class citizens? “Go here, yes sir! Come back, yes sir!” all in the name of being “submissive”. Now ladies let’s not drag this [read blog post 'Baggage claim{part 1}: what every Godly lady should seek for in a Godly man'], I can assure you that when you’re in a relationship {or marriage} with a Real man, the subject of ‘overly-controlling’ would never be an issue. So take it from me, they want a submissive lady, and in doing so, apply wisdom too [read blog post ‘#3 things ladies fail to reserve’]. Pray and fast until this quality becomes your nature.

#3  CONFIDENT

“THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT A CONFIDENT WOMAN THAT EXUDES BEAUTY AND ATTRACTION TO A MAN”

A woman who is confident knows who she is and what she believes, and holds onto that in her interactions with others. She believes in herself, and knows she is valuable standing alone. She’s not defined by her relationship status, her physical appearance or her sex appeal.

She doesn’t buy into the lies that her value is dependent on what she does, but rather, who she is. Because a woman of confidence is aware that her value is rooted in nothing else but who she is in Christ, there is no need to flirt around or flaunt her stuff.

Flirting and flaunting will definitely attract a certain type of man to your side, but you’ll have to keep flirting and keep flaunting your entire life to keep his interest. A real man will be attracted to you because of who you are, not what you have to offer him. And just continuing to be yourself will be all you need to do to keep him there. That’s what healthy relationships are meant to be.

#4  HOSPITABLE

This is a woman’s ability to be friendly, welcoming, accommodating and generous to guest or strangers. Mark these words,

“NO REAL MAN WANTS A WOMAN WITH A BAD CONTENANCE”

Always frowning [well some of us don’t actually frown, just that we have a strong look... J which we can work on with God’s help]. As a lady, except to plan to be an ogre and put a sign post like Shrek, you must be hospitable. Let him know he can invite his friends over or at least introduce you to them. Like Sarah in the bible, be a woman of good countenance because you may never know when you’ll entertain angels. Your strong looks would not scare other ladies away, so quit the act.

#5  TEACHABLE

As a lady, you must be teachable, be ever willing to learn new things, not just from him but from anyone, young or old. I know we ladies have so much to say, a Real man say’s 10 and were already on 200 and still counting [guilty]. When you find yourself in a public place, learn to be quiet and listen more. When he is talking, learn to keep calm and listen more, even if what he’s saying doesn’t make sense, just listen. Be willing to hear him out and learn from him. Wisdom is profitable to direct.

#6  RESPECTFUL

Ah hah! The word explains itself. Real Men are seeking for women who can respect them. Respect in itself is not far from a woman’s ability to submit. Mark these words,

“MEN RESPECT LADIES ABOVE THEM, THEY HONOUR LADIES BELOW THEM AND THEY FIGHT LADIES WHO CLAIM EQUALITY WITH THEM”

So if you want a Godly man, acquire this virtue through prayers and God would grant your request.

#7  GIVING/CHARITABLE

Even though this is abit ironic to their nature i.e Real Men, because they tend to be more money minded than we are as regards careless spending but they totally dislike a lady who hurdles money or is stingy, be it to God, herself, himself or the public. Please ladies, learn to be a giver. Let him know that even after the wedding you’re willing to contribute your share in the family’s finance without him cajoling or commanding you. learn to Give to charity organizations, sow seeds, pay your tithe, give beggars when they ask, be a giver and watch him take an oath to marry you.

#8  PLAYFUL

Awe!J Don’t Real Men just want to play around, even as a child, boys always want to play. You have to make up your mind to be his playmate or watch another lady do that for you. No matter how busy a Real man may be, he totally wants a woman he can play with when he returns from a hectic day. So ladies, drop the whole serious ‘formal’ act and play, laugh, crack jokes with him, just humour him, they totally dig that!

#9  ATTRACTIVE

Most men will tell you it’s important for them to be attracted to their significant other. But sometimes we as women misinterpret this to think that the way to a man’s heart is by achieving supermodel status. We beat ourselves up emotionally, physically and mentally trying to fit into a mold we were never meant to fill.

To a real man, beauty and attraction are defined by so much more than physical appearance. I’ve met tons of men who are completely turned off by women who are gorgeous on the outside, but hollow on the inside.

Real men are looking for a woman who displays true beauty, a beauty that cannot be enhanced, made up or airbrushed. They are looking for a woman who resonates with the beauty of kindness, compassion, humor, strength, love, joy and gentleness.

Believe it or not, real men are more interested in the size of a woman’s heart and mind than the size of her waist. It’s ironic then, that our society pressures women into keeping their focus on the external—the things that matter very little at the end of every relationship.

#10      PASSIONATE

Let me clarify: There is a huge difference between a passionate woman and an overly emotional woman. The first is the kind men flock to, the latter is the type they run away from and never look back.

“REAL MEN ARE LOOKING FOR REAL WOMEN WHO WILL REFLECT TO THEM THE QUALITIES OF A LOVING GOD.”

If there is one thing that I hear again and again from men, is that women need to be less emotionally driven. This may be a gender stereotype, but as much as I hate to admit it, they might be on to something. Emotions are such a valuable part of human beings, for men and women alike. But a huge problem arises when we ladies (or men) let our emotions take the lead. It’s important for us to be driven by what we know and balanced by what we feel. Feelings alone should never lead the way.

But now that we’ve discussed what passion isn’t, here’s what it is: Being passionate means living a life that is purposeful, allowing your heart and life to be guided by things that are meaningful and invested in things that are good. It means having goals, believing in dreams and holding on to your values. It means being defined and propelled by justice, mercy, forgiveness, charity and grace. It means striving for healing in your own life and in the world around you.

Living a life of passion is important, because that passion will seep into every part of your life—relationships included.

EXTRA BONUS: SINGLE

Having listed the entire above #10 “virtue” ultimate searches, they’ll all not make any sense if you are still clinging to an old relationship that is probably over so define your status properly because all these qualities apply to a man searching for a Godly lady who is still single so he can build a life with her. Although not that once your married you fling all to the gutters but am sure you understand what I mean… J hehehe!

  

It’s time to redefine the qualities we as women think we need to have to impress a man. It’s time to also say no to the draw of sex appeal and begin to believe true admiration from men to women comes only when we begin to respect ourselves. It’s time we learn to acquire other virtues such as being submissive, teachable, hospitable, appreciative, respectful, playful, and charitable. Real men are looking for real women who will reflect to them the qualities of a loving God—a God who has made us to be confident, passionate, genuine—and beautiful in every way. May we as women strive to reflect Him in all that we do. Amen!

Until next post, yours sincerely

#ThatFavouredOnlineGirl #TheQueensBanquet